Have you ever loved someone so very much that even the thought of hurting or causing disappointment to their heart would make a tear fall from your eyes. Have you ever been with someone that when they smile you can see your whole life in that smile, that the very thought of losing that person made your heart feel like it was breaking like life just wouldn't be worth trying to enjoy if you were not with the person? Have you ever loved someone so much that love was a natural joy and never once felt like a chore?
I don't think love is pain, I don't believe it is not making someone feel important to you because it is just too much work. Lying to someone so they don't get their feelings hurt or question you too much is not being in love with the person your with that is just being selfishly cruel because God created all of us, he wants us to work together and not purposely never putting yourself out there to fix a problem, fixing a problem should always be the ultimate goal not intentionally telling a lie or if you find that there is just no way that what you said you are going to do can actually be done then I believe you have to let the person know otherwise you are just being selfish and I know that God does not want me to tell someone I am doing something and then I dont do it and I dont even offer an apology for pain I have caused, that is not who I want to be. I do not want to make someone feel like they are not worth the effort it takes to maintain a honest relationship, I don't know why this is my life right now, I would have never imagined it, you couldn't have paid me to believe that I would feel so alone and sad and confused about who I am to him.
I saw and I believed his want, his love and his desire for a better relationship than he has ever had and like an atomic bomb it was gone, it didn't matter if he knew he wouldn't be back when he said he would he had no desire to call and not let me worry, I registered every twinkle in his eyes, every position of his touch everytime his lips touched mine becuase my world finally felt complete like I was never going to know lonly again like I didn't have to worry about him not wanting to fix any problem that may come along. I just had a knowing that things were finally okay.
Now every kiss feels forced and my heart crys with such a deep sorrow becuase the beautiful love we shared just wasn't worth the work all the little things that never got fixed it tore us apart emotionally until he abandoned me when Butch died, I am still in disbelief as to why he chose to keep hurting me even after I begged him not to go.. I told him from the beginning how it made me feel and I told him I couldn't stay with him if he was not going to want to protect my heart at that time and he still didn't care he went ahead and he hurt me and i didn't sleep for a week because I couldnt understand why I had finally found the only person I have ever truly loved and he chose to leave the family we had been building on for months, he walked out on me becuase James needed his help.
Love is not something you force, love is freedom from self, my love is longing for that smile longing for the way he never had to tell me but I believed by the way he looked at me and touched me that he loved me and I could feel safe and secure in that love and now Im just not that. I am just someone he lives with because of only he knows because I don't understand not making sure the person you love never has any reason to doubt it. I am unclear of who I am to him and I am unsure why I pray for a glimpse of that man that was so happy at the thought of me being happy. Marriage doesn't just happen, a happy home doesn't just happen, anything worth having takes work and I don't have the answers I stay tore up because he and my children are worth a happier home. I find myself praying everyday that he will just come and pull me up and love me again.
Now I don't even know that he ever loved me as much and my heart led me to believe, he wanted to be close to God and he wanted to radiate Gods love and with that came him not wanting to cause me any doubt in him and he was quick to apoligize becuase he knew when he hurt my feelings now he still knows he just doesnt find that important like it once was.
